


We're All Mad Here

by DriannaHarper



Series: A couch, two soldiers, and a pin up [14]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:03:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5751139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DriannaHarper/pseuds/DriannaHarper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy Barnes Lewis does not like being woken up early.  She also is not a fan of having to negotiate interplanetary deals before coffee.  Sometimes, though, it happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're All Mad Here

**Author's Note:**

> Kevin Smith has said the reason he'd be bad at comic book movies is because he's bad at writing action. Here, freaking, here. You're going to have to imagine a lot of the fight scene. I am BAD at it.

“This is not how I expected to spend my morning.”

“I have asked you, repeatedly-“

“No, really. I had a plan. Wake my husband up with coffee and morning sex, shower-which could include morning sex-, dress, eat breakfast, and then go feed Jane. I had a PLAN, tall dark and stick-like! You ruined it!”

“-to be quiet!”

Darcy sighed the sigh of the bored. “You aren’t GETTING this, dude. My husband? Killer assassin that is going to be PISSED that he has to come rescue me before he’s had his coffee. Have you seen the Winter Soldier when he’s under caffeinated? Not something you want to see up close, man. Also? Your brother considers me his shield sister. And Thor is not a dude to piss off.”

“He will understand my reasoning.”

“Well, I freaking hope so, because *I* don’t! Just because I haven’t tazed you on sight doesn’t mean I LIKE you, ass clown. It just means you haven’t insulted me personally to a degree that I want to kill you. I will remind you, however, that Clint ‘you fucking brain washed him’ Barton and Agent ‘you murdered him’ IPod Thief are close enough to me that they were in my wedding party.”

“I seek Sanctuary.”

There’s a long moment of silence. It’s broken by a rapid clicking noise, a loud screech, some high pitched whining, and a phone call.

“Hey, Steve, it’s Darcy. When you get a sec, I need some hardcore restraints coming my way. No, I’m good for now, don’t worry anyone. And let James know I had to start work early today. Really, I got this; I just need the bondage gear. Jarvis can get you the GPS from my phone.”

She drops her head and sighs. “No, it’s not for me, and… what, NO, I didn’t need to KNOW that…. Oh, my GOD. Stop talking! Forever, never talk again, please! Jarvis- Code Green Eggs and Ham. Now, I’m hanging up until you guys get here, but if you need to call, have Sam do it instead.”

There’s a long head shake. “Fuck almost destroying the planet. The conversation I just had with Captain America means you have to die a painful death, man. That was… I never needed to know what Cap did with his boyfriend.”

Loki is still wheezing from his position on the floor. “I request that you order my demise instead of telling me that tale.”

“Dude, that isn’t the worst of it,” she says, as she sits down next to him. “But I’m one of the GOOD GUYS, so I’ll spare you the gruesome. Ugh. Have you guys on Asgard developed brain bleach yet?”

“Not as such.”

“Lame. Fine, stop trying to be a world ending asshat, and I’ll give you the 411.”

“Even the All Speak could not decipher that.”

“But you got it, didn’t you, Sparky?”

“…Sadly.”

She flops down on the concrete next to him. 

“I got married to the Winter Soldier via AI in Vegas. Cap and Falcon are WAY into kink, like, don’t even IMPLY anything. If they aren’t now, they will be. Thor and Jane are, ugh,” she shudders, and feels him do the same. “Phil and Clint will try to stab you. Or shoot you. Or other. Because they do. You just gave them a REASON, dude.”

She goes quiet for a while. “You hurt Bucky or Steve, you deal with me. And I’m guessing by Heimdell that you DO NOT want to mess with me.”

He nods.

“Leave Pepper and Tony alone. I mean, you can be snarky at them all you like, but they’re, like, perfect together. So do not mess with that. And if you make me lose the betting pool at Nat and Banner? Problems, buddy.” 

The two sprawl on top of the Baxter Building for a couple of minutes before sitting up. “Things must be pretty bad there, dude, to risk pissing off the Avengers.”

“You have no idea.”

“I’m adopted.”

Darcy moves to sitting on the edge of the building, staring at the sunrise, instead of meeting Loki’s eyes. “Didn’t even know about it, until my mother was…well-,” she picks at her nails.

“I wasn’t everything a parent could want. I tried. I did what I could. Chores, manners, did well in school. But it was always about someone else. Someone else, that could have done better without me.”

“If you are trying to imply that Thor-“

“In my case, it was my mom,” she states. Loki goes quiet at that, moving closer. “She had a kid in mind. I’m not sure if it’s one she lost, or just what she wanted me to be. She had an idea, of what I SHOULD have been, what she expected, and I… went outside the parameters. Got mouthy, got loud. She didn’t want a kid at all, really, but she really didn’t want one that spoke up.”

They both go quiet. Loki breaks it. “What then? What course did you take after?” 

“I won. I became who I am, and got away from what they thought I should be. I stood up, and I stood out. I ended up on the news protesting a few times. I… did better than they could. I became ME, and I found my new family, and I found out who I was meant to be. Shield sister to a Norse God or two, scientist wrangler, PR manager to a bunch of hapless idiots, married to an amazing guy. That’s who I am now, and I love it.”

“And I? Who am I meant to be?” Loki asks, kicking his legs off the roof next to her. She’d hug the idiot, if she wasn’t trying to prove a point.

“I don’t know, dude. And I don’t know if we can trust you. You kidnapped me- and really, we’re going to talk about safe zones-, so we don’t really trust you. I think tazering you proves that. Are you going to play ball and let us find out who you are, or be a Reed Richards sized ass-clown and bail on me after all of our feels?”

“I think- it’ll be something different altogether. I like you, Darcy.”

“You’re pretty chill, when you aren’t trying to set me on fire.”

“I’m fairly certain that the All-Father is about to order my reappearance. He plans on returning me to Thanos in recompense for my failure.”

“That’d be the dude that had the glow stick of destiny that made your head go all crazy?”

Loki winces. “That, and… so many other-“

“He isn’t going to be a happy bunny, is he?”

“He… There was a price to be met, with him saving me from the dark. I didn’t meet it. He will not be forgiving. Hence, Odin’s ensuing banishment. Also, the-“

“He’s selling you out, isn’t he?”

“I cannot blame him.”

“Well, I sure as hell can. He freaking knew better. He adopted a kid, and then taught that kid that his whole race was evil, and that he had to challenge his brother for the throne. Am I following the bouncing ball there, Ace of Base?”

“I should have been strong enough to fight-“

“The rest of the crazy boat, got it. Oi, Jay, you get all that?”

“I did, Darcy. We are… preparing-“

“Do not call an Assembly, man. I SAID I got this. Geez, Steve needs to calm down. How many times, now? How many TIMES has he called out a full alert when I TOLD him I had it covered?”

“To be fair,” Jarvis replies. “The last time he called an Assembly on your behalf, you were in peril.”

“Like Doom was really a threat. Pu-lease. I’m now the Avengers liaison to Latveria, so OBVIOUSLY that worked out just fine.”

“Agent Barton is very upset.”

“Agent Barton should not have glitter bombed my office yesterday, or I’d be more sympathetic. Scale it, one to ten.”

“He’s at a five.”

“So not in murder mode, awesome. Yo, Styx!” She yells, gesturing at Loki.

“We’re not giving you up without a fight, man. And I’d rather I didn’t have to do so in my jammies, so could we-“

Loki stares at her for a minute, before lunging at her and wrapping his arms around her, and seconds later, she’s in her apartment, which is full of Avengers in battle mode. 

“Okay, someone start a vat of coffee. Someone else order breakfast. I need a person to go hug Loki, he needs it, and where the HELL are the kittens?”

She stands with hands on hips defiantly, with Loki not hiding behind her in the slightest. Really. “Where are my cats. And my coffee. And my husband. And I probably should have asked for that the other way around, but come on. We all know me.”

There’s a very strained silence. Natasha saunters over, obviously pleased when Loki shies away. “Let’s get you ready for your audience, Darce. The rest of you will deal with THAT, won’t you?” she sends over her shoulder.

She shuffles Darcy towards the bedroom. “But, I need-“

“No.”

“But-“

“Darcy?”

“Yeah, Nat?”

“You just asked sanctuary for a hostile being from another planet on your behalf.”

“I did do that thing. Yes, I did, which is why- Stop pulling, Nat- Oi! Sam! Go hug Loki!“

“You did that on behalf of the Avengers. So, stop talking. We’re getting you out of your Star Trek jammies and into something more befitting of an interplanetary liaison. Which is what you just became. So let me look through your wardrobe for a minute, then I’ll fix your hair, and Barton will be down in a bit to do your make-up.”

“How can you do that? Trust him just because I gave him a chance?”

Natasha’s already in her bedroom closet. She doesn’t bother to duck back out, just yells- “You trust people. I don’t. Not ever. But I trust your instincts.”

“I don’t know about that, dude. Maybe… Fuck.”

Darcy sits down hard on her bed. “We’re going okay so far, but what happens when I make the wrong call?”

Natasha strolls out of the closet, dress hanging over her shoulder. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I can’t DO this! You’ve asked me to do something WAY out of my skill set!”

“Do you think that Steve Rogers expected to go into project Rebirth and become Captain America?”

“Way different, Nat.”

“Is it?” Natasha asks. She sits down next to Darcy, and hooks an arm around her shoulder. “You took an internship, and ended up the PR manager of the Avengers, the wife of the Winter Soldier, and most importantly- a person that Coulson respects. That kicks ass on its own. Are you really going to let a conference call throw you off?”

Darcy shrugs. “You really think I can do this?”

“You think you can’t?” Nat asks.

Darcy shrugs, grabs a coat hanger, pokes it into the vents, and gets back a giggle. “Yeah, you better. Make me pretty, jerk, this needs to make YouTube.”

 

Darcy strides into the middle of Central Park. She waits for almost three minutes, before she mutters, “Done with this shit, Heimdell, you got sixty seconds before I’m leaving.”

Fifty nine seconds pass, before Odin beams down. He’s all glowy and impressive. After a bit of his dancing around on his horse, Darcy asks, “So, what’s your deal, dude? Cause, gotta say, you got nothing. You don’t get to just send down demands on planets that don’t belong to you.”

“You should bow to your betters, woman.”

“I would, if you were my better. I have a name, you know. Thor actually claims me as as Shield Sister and all. I’m pretty sure my husband would take offense to the ‘woman’ thing, if he needed to as well. How about you start over?”

“Woman-“

“Wow, dude, still not even acknowledging that I have a name. You are failing at negotiation, right now. You realize that, right?”

“There is no need for negotiation. Hand over what belongs to me that landed on your pathetic planet, and I will leave.”

“How’s about… No. That AWESOME etch-a-scketch that came across the Bi-Frost, that is MINE , I called dibs. Not a damned thing else that’s come across belongs to you. Sorry dude. File a W90067 form or something. None of our stuff is yours. Also, my planet is awesome. Fuck you.”

“Loki-“

“Oh, HIM. Oh, sorry. Didn’t know you meant him. You have to file that under ‘safe haven’. And his brother, me, my husband, my husband’s best friend, his boyfriend, and… oh, a BUNCH of other people already did that. Wanna see?”

Iron Man crashes down right behind her, fist to the ground before standing up. The rest of the Avengers saunter in slowly to close ranks. Bucky comes to stand next to her, with Steve taking her other side. One by one they come, until they form a circle, with Loki in the middle. 

Thor is the last, landing neatly between Darcy and his Father. “You will not do this. I will not allow it.”

Odin stares down his son. “You have no right to protect him without my authority. He has done evil, and now he will account for it.”

“Excuse me- what now?” Darcy asks as she steps past Thor and strides straight up to Odin. “You really think you got a case here? I mean, really?”

“Human, you do not-“

“Oh, no, not gonna happen. You psychologically abused him- and to an extent, Thor- for their entire childhoods. You molded them into what you wanted, and when your pet Frost Giant didn’t work out, you let him try to kill himself. And when THAT didn’t work, you let him get tortured by a sociopath. And we’re supposed to blame HIM?”

“Loki’s problems are his own,” Odin says, glaring at the lowered head of the man in question.

“Aww, man, no. I really wanted to be able to keep hating him. You just had to make him redeemable,” Hawkeye says, aim never wavering from Odin’s good eye. “You PRETTY MUCH just said you knew he was being tortured and manipulated, and you went along with it. Now I am sort of obligated to be on his side.”

Darcy glares up into Odin’s face. “Get . Off. Of my. Planet. Don’t come back. You’ll have an army waiting for you if you do. I got resources, dude. And kittens. Lots and lots of kittens. You come at us, you have a hard battle waiting.”

“You are tiny. And pathetic. Do you think your band of warriors can stop the might of Asgard?”

“I’m sorry, were you saying something?” Comes from the side. Fury is quite literally sauntering up. “It sounds like you were not only threatening citizens of this planet, but also a political refugee. Was that the case, sir?”

“Who do you think-“

“I ‘think’ I’m the Director of SHIELD. Unless I’m wrong. Am I wrong, Ms Barnes-Lewis?”

Darcy smirks at him. “Not unless I’ve been left out of a few meetings, Nick. In which case, I’m hurt, and I might need a few gallons of ice cream.”

“So, not wrong,” Fury continues. “Mr. Odin, on behalf of SHIELD, UNIT, MI6, the SGC, Torchwood, and… well… the rest of the PLANET. Either declare war, or go home. Deal with your own problems, and stop making them ours.”

“Loki is MINE,” Odin snarls.

“Actually, dude, he found me first and asked for Sanctuary. Pretty sure that on any planet, that’s valid,” Darcy states. “And I honor it. So, go on. Get.”

Odin glares at Thor. Thor glares back. Darcy and Fury take a few steps back, and allow them room for the glaring.

“You should not risk your seat on the throne for an impostor.”

“You should not have taught your son to see his brother as an equal if you expected us to abandon each other. Loki would be more suited to the throne than I, and we both know it. I will not abandon him to a senseless fate. Follow my Shield Sister’s advice, and leave this planet. Loki and I shall protect it. Find a new heir. I would suggest the Lady Sif, she is even and just in her judgement.”

Snorting, Odin steps back. “That woman you bed has changed you. She-“

He is stopped with a pained gasp. 

Darcy steps forward and starts to unhook the young cat wrapped around his ankle. “I’d apologize for Gabe, but I think you were about to insult Jane. And no one insults Jane. So, go little man!”

She hands the cat to Bucky, who hands it to a shaking Loki. She then turns back to the Norse God.

“You got one chance here, man. You aren’t getting Loki. He’s ours now. I’m taking him on as a charge, we’ll try to help him get his head on straight. You fix whatever problem you have with Thanos. And by fix? I mean you END him. He sent an army to try to destroy my planet. I want that to not be a thing anymore.

“Also? You want any sort of delegate between our worlds again? You send your wife, Sif, one of the Warriors Three, or Heimdell. I never want to see you again.”

Darcy stands in the middle of Central, a contingent of superheroes behind her, glaring down the ruler of Asguard. He looks at her, and those around her, and finally, looks towards Loki.

“I truly wanted the best for you. For you both. I never thought it would come to this,” he said to the bowed head.

The entire group closed ranks towards Loki. He finally raised his head to look at his father. “Thousands of years. We’ve had centuries for you to make me hate myself. And the first time I fought back, you abandoned me to the cold?”

He looks at the small animal in his hands. “I’m not a monster. Not the way you told me I was. Otherwise… I wouldn’t be here, hoping to make amends.”  
Darcy and Fury both move back in, Thor close behind them, to begin negotiation. Loki backs away, heading towards the middle of his ‘safe zone’. 

His eyes cut left to Barton, whose aim still sure and his arm never wavering. “I hurt this one. And I did it because I was told it was the right thing, it’s what my people did. The Jotuns. The voice in my head, the one that hurt me did it. But it was wrong.”

Stepping forward, he attempts to hand his charge to Nat. She snorts, backs away, and states, “Gabe isn’t giving you away any time soon. Neither are we. We all got red in our ledgers. We’re going to figure it out together. But you have the Avengers, SHIELD, and almost all the alphabet soup organizations lining up on your side, Reindeer Games.”

She tilts her head, and he sees the number of Agents lining the park. 

“Hang on, Rudolph-“ is all the warning he gets before seeing the kitten plucked out of his hands, deposited into Darcy’s shirt, and the three of them taking off with Iron Man.

“What-OW, DUDE. What’s the actual freaking DEAL?” Darcy asks, as she tries to simultaneously hang on to the suit and keep the kitty claws from doing damage to more than just her shirt.

“Looks like Lokes dad wasn’t the only one interested in this meeting. There’s a magic user down there too. Some crazy chick that’s trying to mack on Thor.”

Loki shuddered. “That would be Amora. You have to take me back, I’m the only one-“

“That’s a no go, Junior,” Stark says as he deposits them on his landing pad at the Tower. “Thor and Dad BOTH agreed that you’re in no condition to go up against that crazy. And considering the last few hours… inclined to agree.”

Iron Man takes off back to the fight without another word. Darcy marches straight into the common living room, and starts issuing commands. Loki follows along, silently.

“Okay, Jay, I need visual, and a play by play. Give me audio, but parse it to the necessary bits.” Immediately, the room is filled with information. CCTV, local cell streams, Tony’s HUD, audio from the coms, they all come online in various places. 

Loki watches as she takes command of the room, and wonders if she’s noticed she still has a cat poking out of the neck of her button down. He slinks closer, holds a hand out, and takes the feline away. Darcy turns, raises an eyebrow, and flicks her eyes to the display.

“Ready to find out how you can be useful, Doc?”

“I doubt that-,” he gets cut off quickly.

“Nope. See, that is my FAMILY out there. My family that I asked to trust me when I took you in. So, we’re both going to help them from here. Because that particular fight? That’s Asgard. I don’t care if she’s after you, or Thor, or your Dad. It wouldn’t be our fight if I hadn’t brought you in and asked them to trust me to trust you. My husband is out there fighting right now, and he might not come home. So, we are going to do the best that we can do to help, right?”

“How can-,” he’s cut off again. He’d be irritated, but there’s something soothing in the purring cuddled against his chest.

“Patterns. Look for patterns. People like you, me, Tony- we are random. We’re chaos, it’s why it’s hard for people to predict us. Look at Thor, Clint, Steve, hell, most of SHIELD. They were trained to follow patterns. Magic users have to adapt in ways that are chaotic. You and I, we see that. We can see her next move before she can.

“That, there-“ she says, as they watch Thor thrown into a tree. “She caught him from 30 feet away. Why? He wasn’t close enough to…”

“She knew where he would end up, and it was too close to her endgame,” he answered. “So she’ll-“

“Go for Cap next. Jay, relay to Steve- DUDE, dodge RIGHT.”

They watch Steve manage the maneuver, just as a fireball hits where he would have been. 

“Jarvis, tell Barton to go to the rooftop eight o’clock, Romanov to take her weapons to 50%, and Wilson to stay as high up as he can get. She’s planning another round, and won’t expect this,” Loki instructs.

He catches Darcy’s eyes. “This don’t work, I’m letting the Hulk smash you into pulp. And then I will have FUN with the remains.”

“This will work. And you should ask Director Fury to evacuate his agents. This might not be pleasant.”

Three hours later, Amora is sulking in the Hulk cage on the Helicarrier, no SHEILD Agents have more than a scrape, Darcy is kissing a laceration on Bucky’s head, Pepper is fussing over a bruise on Tony’s arm, and Loki HAS to say something.

“You truly do not mind my presence? I… I did such…,” he is cut off by Phil.

“You killed me. You stuck a spear through my heart,” he states, with no expression. “I got over it. You can too.”

Natasha wanders by with a glass of scotch, and Mickey chasing her feet. “You sound like a PSA, Sir. Might want to rephrase that.”

Coulson sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, and shakes his head. “Your kind of crazy, Mr. Odinson? It fits right in. The real question is, can you handle US?”

Loki looks around. His brother is cuddled up to Jane, but still conversing loudly with Clint and Bruce. Darcy and Bucky are arguing over something quietly, glancing at him every once and a while. Pepper is still fussing over Tony, but they’re meandering out of the room. Wilson and Rogers are in a dark corner, and considering what Darcy told him earlier, he’s not looking too closely at THAT.

“Agent Coulson, I’m glad to be here, if you’ll have me.”

Phil holds out his hand. “You stab any one of us again, I’ll shoot you. Again. And then let Ms Lewis at what’s left.”

Loki snorts. “I think she’d beat you to it.”

“Welcome to the Asylum. We’re all mad here.”


End file.
